A Dangerous Prayer

For the past few years, I have picked a word to focus on throughout the year. It’s usually something I feel convicted about. Something I need to work on to better myself and strengthen my walk with God.

This year the word “bitterness/forgiveness” kept coming round.

The theme popped up in various daily devotionals, my own bible studies, sermons at church, conversations with my husband and mom, and of course the subtle/not so subtle nudge from inside.

I had unfinished business to process and it was hindering my ability to move forward, see other things clearly, and really dive into sacred space with Jesus.

After balking about it (because I felt justified in my feelings) and ignoring it (the easier option), I reached a point of total frustration and decided it was past due to really, truly, once and for all, work towards complete forgiveness.

Tried to do it myself at first. Pushing thoughts of bitterness from my mind. Listing what I should appreciate about the person/situation instead. Reminding myself I should look at the huge plank in my own eye. Countless prayers giving it up to God. But no matter what I did, I continued to struggle with true release.

Dangerous Words

Frustrated at my inability to feel a close connection with God, to have uplifting conversations with my husband, to feel anything other than drained working with the kiddos, and numerous other things, I cried out two simple words.

“Unravel me. Please God, just please unravel me!!!”

Little did I know just what he had in store because of those words. It felt scary, in a way giving up control. It felt hopeful, that maybe life could change. But mostly it felt raw and desperate. Uttered from what I thought was surely my bottom depths.

What transpired the next several months can only be described as God’s awesome power.

My quest to really work through my bitterness towards my son’s birthfather, my own father, childhood friends, the family church, and various other situations was hard.

I started with a bible study on the topic of forgiveness and got angry at the author because he presented it as being this simple problem. Didn’t they know I have been trying unsuccessfully for years? Obviously, not so easy. For me at least. I ended up contacting a psychologist I’ve used and formed a friendship with since high school. She offered alternative exercises, feedback, and advice. Yep – I had homework to do!

Along this journey, I became aware of various childhood themes and situations my mind and body processed as trauma. One, from when I was around 6 years old, that rocked my world and I thought would halt everything.

There were some dark times. Periods of waking up in the morning and sitting in the sunroom only to cry – again and again. Bouts of intense rage over how certain things were handled growing up and my inability to process and communicate without time lapse. Depression over reading through old journals and poetry I wrote as a teen and a young birthmother. Not many happy words. And perhaps the worst, was putting myself back in the shoes of the hurt girl growing up to release emotions.

All this from two simple words. Unravel me.

Continued Grace

I am grateful there has been healing. I’m forever grateful my husband has stood beside me and offered the role of punching bag. I am grateful so many other aspects of life, related and unrelated, have improved because of that prayer. I’m grateful for a sense of peace, which can only come from Him. Those words were well worth it in the end.

And guess what? I still offer up those words to God. He is not done with me yet!

There were some really helpful resources along the way I will be sharing in another post. Things I think every person, no matter their age or emotional status, should do.

Because what would happen if we all looked at ourselves with naked honesty? What would happen if we all sought healing? What would the world look like, if everyone let down their guard, admitted what areas of life they struggle with, and then we all worked together to build each other back up?

What if we got off our pedestals, got down on our knees, and offered up two simple words? Unravel me!

Are you up for the challenge?