A Tale about My “I love you” Commitment Aversion

I still recall the conversation about the words “I love you” with my older coworkers like it was yesterday. Probably because, at the time, I found their viewpoint so odd. We were talking about relationships and settling down once you find that special someone. I had been with my boyfriend Jason (now husband) for close to two years.

They were asking about the seriousness of our relationship. Do you see a future with him? Me: I think so, I see no reason there wouldn’t be. How do you like living with him? It’s been good, he travels a lot, so it’s easier to spend time with him and our relationship has deepened. Do you think he will propose soon?  Wait, what?!? I have no idea. I mean, it would be cool if he did, but we haven’t talked about anything like that yet.  

What do you mean you have no idea; you’ve been together almost two years! Don’t you love each other?  Um, I think so. We haven’t said “I love you” to one another yet, but I’d be crushed if we broke up. Blank stares with mouths gaping open. Why? Is that unusual? I guess I haven’t thought about it yet. Do people usually profess love sooner than two years? Seems likes a serious commitment. Again, blank stares. Then all at once – well yeah! Huh, well gives me something to think about for sure. Shaking heads.

Does any of that sound familiar to you in some shape or form? A feeling you are ready to make a commitment, have no real reason not to, but when faced with “go time” you hesitate? Maybe there’s a past hurt causing you to second guess? Perhaps you are unclear where the other person stands? Or does even hearing the word commitment have you running the opposite direction?

For me, the topic of commitment with Jason was new and scary for a combination of reasons. The experience with my oldest son’s birthfather left a lot of scars, some were healed, many were not. I was more mature (maybe, I think), which meant I was learning to figure things out on my own and wobbled between confidence and insecurity in my decision making. There was a consistent conviction from the Holy Spirit about living with my significant other before marriage. As much as I can be an ‘ALL IN’ person, I like to have a contingency plan. After all, I grew up thinking I was the only person who would really take care of myself.

Those three words “I love you” seemed to come with a hefty price tag. I uttered them once with complete conviction and it blew up into smithereens and left me broken for years. Say them again?  I don’t know about that.

Fast forward eleven years. Reading through my devotional today, the words “commitment” and “people” came up multiple times. The story of Joseph showing forgiveness to his brothers, after they sold him into slavery, which lead to twenty years of servanthood and prison, was our example (Genesis 37-50).

Author Jennie Allen stated “He committed to them, not because they were good to him but because they were his people….He didn’t just give them what they needed, he gave them everything they could ever want. They were his people and he was all in, no matter what.”

As I sat processing those words, I was unsure if I would ever be able to replicate Joseph’s strength despite the growth and healing that has taken place. Additionally, I wondered if someone else would ever do that for me. After all, we are all humans with a sinful nature. I’m certainly not perfect.

Even though Jason and I are married (after five years of dating) and I love him so much and never want to hurt him – I’m ashamed to say the selfish/frightened side of me still whispers in my ear “What’s your back up plan, Peggy? Things are getting rough, you gonna stick this out? Might be easier to leave and start fresh somewhere else, don’t you think?” Unfortunately, sometimes I struggle to be fully committed to our relationship. So that takes me out of the equation. But who else?

And then…light bulb! Who other than God, being perfect in nature, would be able to model this behavior for me! It is written all over His Word the endless ways He shows His love, forgiveness, patience, understanding, caring, watching over, grace, mercy etc., etc., for me. All of it equals one-hundred percent commitment to me and my life.

The good news? He offers it to each and every person. All we must do is accept Him (John 3:16). The better news? He forgives every single time. All those commitments I made to Him and broke over the years? Forgiven and forgotten. So, no matter how many times we cannot fully commit to other people and/or are let down by others breaking their commitment to us, we can count on at least one to follow through in every way. And what better example for us to follow.

What did I walk away learning?

~ The myriad reasons I have for not committing are really just excuses. One baby step forward is always possible, even if it’s simply listing what work needs to be done personally before a commitment can be made.

~ If I’m going to commit, do it all the way, no half tooshing it. Remember the “Golden Rule”: treat others as you want to be treated.

~ Do not let bitterness take root when being let down by others. It’s guaranteed to happen. It’s guaranteed I will let someone else down. Grace and forgiveness required.

~ It is ok to be afraid. Some people are fearless, not me! However, do not let the fear paralyze movement. If deeper psychological healing is needed, ask for help in receiving it. (I have done this a few times!)

~ As negative/questioning thoughts enter my mind I need to shut them down immediately. Those are from the enemy and meant to harm me. Nah uh, not today!

~ When I am feeling helpless and wondering how I’ll be able to keep the commitment, do not forget I am not alone. With God, all things are possible. (Matt. 19:26, Phil. 4:13) There is no need for me to try and be a superhero. I’d probably be the one to splat face first into the side of the building anyway.  

What commitment(s) are you facing today? What step do you need help with? How can I pray for you? Two facing a challenge is always stronger than one!