Birth Parent Reflections: A View from the Inside

I vividly recall the moment I realized I was pregnant at 15 years old and had no clue what to do. The result? Sheer panic, deep rooted fear, heavy shame, and a delusion there would be a happy ever after with the birth father. What did being a birth parent even mean anyway?

I’ll never forget the immobilizing heartache of leaving the hospital empty handed or the constant companion of tears in the following months.

The actual pain of childbirth, loss of a first love and friendships, and feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore have since faded and been replaced with better memories.

Despite what seems like negative emotions and circumstances, there was positive unfolding in the background, getting ready to emerge in the years to come.

I won’t pretend placing a child for adoption is easy nor a decision lightly made. And we all know good things are hard to see amid hardship, but it is there. Sometimes we just need someone to help us see them.

That being said, here are some thoughts I’ve had during my 21-year journey of being a birth mother; some of which I wish would have been shared with me from the beginning. More of my story can be read here.

Grief

At times, it will feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest. There will be intense anger, lingering sadness, bouts of denial, and pangs of bitterness.

There may also be the loss of severed relationships and a downsizing of friends. Things may feel estranged between immediate family members. You may wonder what the heck happened to normalcy!

That is perfectly natural and OK. Carrying a child for any length and then not having them is just like someone you love passing away. Look up the 5 Stages of Grief – get to know them, recognize them, work through them. It will help the healing process immensely.

Remember the body is also going through physical/chemical changes in addition to the emotional changes experienced. Finding a new normal will be quick for some and gradual for others; give yourself grace!

Reasoning

The decision to place a child(ren) for adoption is yours alone. Do not let anyone bully you into something you do not feel is right. Do not feel you have to explain your choice or surrounding circumstances. Ask God for guidance if things are unclear.

Mainstream society does not often talk about adoption as an option. That does not make it any less valuable. I recall being surprised not one of the pamphlets given out at the doctor’s office had to do with adoption. Instead, they focused on abortion and state/county aid.

It may seem like you’re going against the crowd, but trust me, you are not. There are birth parent and support groups all around. Seek them out!

Hope

It may be hard to see this at first. I struggled with this in the beginning stages of grief. Think of the hope given to your child, their adoptive parents, and their extended families. Adoption breathes new life into numerous places.

There is hope for new friendships and healthier relationships to blossom. Hope for you and your adopted child to know one another when the time is right. Hope for new opportunities.

Letting Go

Holding onto the pain and bitterness, refusing to forgive, waiting for someone to offer an apology, and/or wallowing in self-pity leads to an empty, lonely road. The sooner you can work through those and let go of unmet expectations and self-deprecating thoughts the better you’ll be.

Like the grieving process, this may not be easy. It’s ok to have “off days,” but don’t park there. If needed, ask someone you trust to help. I have met with a psychologist on/off since finding out I was pregnant. There is absolutely no shame in asking someone to walk alongside you!

New Opportunities/Moving Forward

It is not selfish to consider new opportunities you’ll be presented because of placing your child for adoption. It’s ok to be thankful you’ll be able to finish school. It’s ok to feel relief you don’t have to jump into being a parent before you’re ready and/or parent another one if unable.

It is also ok, and in some cases healthier, to end a relationship with the significant other. I wish I had realized this sooner; however, love can make people blind. If trustworthy people are advising you, make sure to listen! There are numerous people capable of loving someone who has placed a child for adoption, so don’t let fear hold you stagnant.

There will be times certain memories, smells, places, pictures, and objects may trigger a trip down memory lane, pleasant or not. Don’t try to avoid these and don’t be surprised if it happens years later. This too is normal. With time the knee-jerk reactions will become less intense.

Getting Married

There will be a special someone who knows and accepts you – all the parts of you. Do not believe the lies saying you’re unworthy, tainted goods, or broken. If the future seems serious, be honest as being a birth parent is nothing to hide from. It may take time, but don’t settle!

If you are blessed like me, that special someone will share the same joy over new contact/letters and photos. They should accept your birth child(ren) as their own, be open to conversing about them and contemplating how a melded future might look, hold no judgement, and not require secrecy on the matter.

Having More Children

A whole new gamut of emotions may pop up during this stage of life. Role with them, spend a little time reflecting, but don’t get stuck overanalyzing. Enjoy the new pregnancy and life for what it is.

Don’t do what I did, which was get stressed over feeling like I was dishonoring or replacing my first child. It’s ok to focus more on who is front of you now. It does not mean you love your placed child any less.

Children are loving, resilient creatures who don’t see differences like adults do. Don’t be afraid to share the dynamics with your other child(ren), even at an early age. My children have known about their older half-brother since day one. Have they had questions? Yes! But seeing their excitement for him is so rewarding!

Reuniting

Soak in this part of the journey as much as you can. Every emotion experienced while placing your child for adoption may come roaring back, along with a few new ones! If able, try to process those before meeting to help clear the mind.

This is a moment to start anew. Don’t get stuck in memories of the past. It may feel like a first date and that’s ok. Make your time spent together relaxed and fun; there’s no need to be elaborate to make up for lost years. As my firstborn son said, “It’s only as awkward as you make it.”

Let them ask questions, be open with your answers, and be honest about your own thoughts. Take time to reconnect and foster a sense of comfortable friendship.

Molding Together

It can be such an exciting time when families get to meet, and things start to feel whole. Having sufficient one on one time before introducing everyone else will be helpful.

Instead of fretting over how to do it, simply ask all involved what their comfort level is. If they need time to process and/or ask questions then let them.

In some cases, family members may choose to stay distant. While it will hurt, try to be respectful of their feelings, pray about it, and don’t let it affect your interactions. This step may take a while but remember how far you’ve come and be patient.

But God

Whether or not you have put your faith in God, He still cares for you as a birth parent and your child. I chose to turn away from God and the church over hurt experienced from those I looked up to. A decision I have regretted and learned to accept as part of God’s plan in my story.

It is important to remember every person is human and fallible because of sin. The only One we should ever look to for acceptance and with utter certainty is God.

If you let Him, He will be your greatest source of healing, comfort, encouragement, peace, and joy in what can be a tumultuous time. Reach out to Him at any time with just a few simple words, like the ones here.