Choosing Presence
This past weekend I had the chance to visit with family in Florida. I was more than happy to leave single digits and snow behind. Although the purpose of travel was to honor my Uncle’s passing; the trip itself was awesome!
The weather ended up being “cold” hovering around upper 50’s/low 60’s and it rained the entire time. However, the memories made were way more important than being able to experience warm sunny weather. The trip also provided some uninterrupted time to think, which in turn produced some thought provoking questions.
How Could I Not Know?
One thought kept pervading my mind. Especially as we were sitting around the table playing cards or just relaxing in the living room listening to people recount stories about my Uncle….Why do I not know about any of these stories? Why does it feel as if I didn’t really know who he was? Why do I feel as if I don’t really know much about my Aunts and cousins who are still living?
As I pondered those questions throughout the weekend a few thoughts came to mind:
Age Gaps
My dad has two older sisters. There is a 10-year spread between all three of them. My parent also waited a while before having kids. So, some of the “distance” is due to big age gaps between my cousins and I (close to 20 years). Growing up everyone was obviously at different points in their lives. Sure, we hung out when gatherings happened, but not much in common during our younger years.
Geographical Locations
We have lived in the same state my entire life. I didn’t move out of my hometown until my husband and I had our first child. My Uncle who passed and his family lived in several different states – Missouri, Nebraska, Idaho, Colorado, Wisconsin, Michigan. They did come back for visits, but sometimes several years would go by before we saw them.
Life
Seeing as there is such a big age gap, my older cousins were experiencing life and moving forward with college, marriage, and kids before I did. Each of us had/has our own circle of closer friends, our own immediate families, and our own responsibilities. Sometimes life allows for these things to happen together and sometimes they happen separately.
Technology
Back in the day, there was no internet/cell phone/texting/email/free long-distance calling! You grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a letter, stuffed it in an envelope with a stamp, and mailed it! (Weird – I know! Lol) While I can “blame” this as a reason for not staying in touch the first 10-15 years of my life I have no excuse for present day.
The last sentence kept bringing me full circle to this final thought:
I have not chosen to be
If I really wanted to, I could easily ask my mom for phone numbers and make a call. I have their addresses, how hard is it to write a quick note and mail it? Some of my relatives have email, so why not send an update? Or why not take a picture of my kids (better them than me, right?) and text it to someone?
Conviction to spend less time on me and more time on cultivating relationships with my family was heavy. There is really no excuse for not having enough time, not being capable, not having a story to tell, or not caring.
How Do We Chose To Be Present?
Understandably, we are all busy living our own lives. But how much time do we spend surfing the web, flicking through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, publishing posts and pictures on said platforms, reading books, watching TV, etc.? Could use that time to write a letter or email. How many times throughout the day have I wished to talk to an adult (as a stay at home mom this happens a lot!)? Could call my aunts or cousins quick. How often do I call my mom and ask if there are any extended family updates? Could just call them directly and ask!
Connection doesn’t have to be complicated, doesn’t require a two page letter, doesn’t need to be a thirty minute phone conversation, doesn’t need to be a perfectly edited picture, doesn’t have to be scheduled or only done with the latest technology…it just needs to happen…no matter the duration, frequency, or type.
Had I not taken the time to attend my Uncle’s memorial service I would have never learned some really cool things about him (like he was an interrogator for the CIA and played an integral part in the US moving to third party payment systems in health care). I wouldn’t have some nice pictures of myself with my Aunt and her children, would have missed the opportunity to chat about homeschooling with my cousin’s wife, and wouldn’t have been able to look through 100 plus years of printed photographs of my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and mom and dad. Now, I have a picture of the great grandmother whose middle name I have.
And I wouldn’t have had the awesome reminder to be present and never look back. My cousin relayed that my Uncle never looked back – no matter how many times he switched jobs/careers, moved to another state, or tried new things – he Never Looked Back. He enjoyed what he was doing, made sure his family was happy, and took time out to spend time with his children and grandchildren. He was present.
I would love for my family to say that about me as they look back on my life. Sadly – I don’t think it’s a true representation of my current life. The good news is I have roughly another 60-70 years to change that!
So, starting today, my goal is to disconnect with distractions, purposefully connect with loved ones, and choose to be present in my everyday life. Will you join me??? Who knows, we may just find more happiness and peace!
