Confession: I don’t love my day job!

Something about life throwing curve balls in multiple areas tends to bring out the ultra-stressed not so nice side. At least it does for me! After a particularly long week, my husband and I ended up having a “discussion” into the midnight hour on many things. He was explaining how he wanted our life to look, we both chimed in on how it looks nothing like that and somehow it proceeded to who/what’s to blame for it. Unproductive I know, but sometimes life is messy.

One part of the discussion was me bringing up how I feel I don’t have his support in an endeavor dear to my heart. Part of it involves needing time alone to write (I can only pretend to focus while being interrupted by kiddos every 2 minutes for so long). In reality, he does support me, it just doesn’t look how I feel it should look and/or expect.

For example, when I need time away, he helps arrange childcare from someone else. In my head, for whatever reason, that is not him supporting me, it’s him pushing our kids on someone else. Something I could do myself. I would rather he just say “Yeah, I can take off work and spend time with them” and then do all the other “mom” things at the same time (i.e.: laundry, dishes, meals, cleaning).

While discussing this he made a comment to the effect that I was micro-managing how he chooses to handle what needs to be done. After I calmed down, I could see his point, but something just wasn’t sitting well. I could not put my exact emotions into words. He then commented there must be some other trigger we’re missing for things to become so heated whenever this topic comes up (thank goodness he’s rational).

Finding Triggers

As I laid in bed and went about my morning the next day, his comments kept cycling through my head. Why is how he handles it such a big deal? Why can’t I let this go? How do I make him understand my point of view? How do I adequately express my feelings of being let down when in actuality I’m not? Garrr!

And then it hit me. I wanted him to “suffer” the way I do while caring for the kids 24/7. I had to pause what I was doing, wipe up the tears, catch my breath, and process.

First off, what kind of horrible mother/wife must I be to even think that? Secondly, why would I ever wish someone else to struggle through something? Thirdly, Wow! Just wow Peggy! There are obviously some unresolved emotions lurking around even though I thought I had already worked through this!?!

Is the reason I struggle so much with being a stay at home mom because I see it as a chore/hardship/something I’d rather not do? In some regards…yes?!? This was an honesty I have dabbled with over the last six years and never ventured to fully admit to myself, let alone my husband.

Let me be perfectly clear on one thing – I LOVE my kiddos to death. I cannot imagine life without them. They bring a love and joy I would otherwise never know. However, it was never my dream to be a stay at home mom, not even remotely.

My original plan was to go back to work. I crave routines. I’m a planner and don’t do change well. I’m the introvert that needs solitary time yet also needs to be around others. I do best in minimal, clean environments or I get sensory overload. I like dressing up and doing my hair. My happy days are when I’m learning, accomplishing lists, organizing, helping others. That does not equal children (for me at least, if it does for you please tell me your secret!).

Through a series of life changes (losing my job a couple weeks before our oldest was born, moving from the only town I’d ever known shortly after, working through two children with food sensitivities, not having child care I assumed would be available, slipping into bouts of depression, choosing to homeschool, sifting through past trauma) being at home is where I’ve always ended up.

Don’t get me wrong, I am super thankful I could stay home as those various things came up. But deep down, it seemed crazy, to keep doing something for so long, without consistently enjoying it on a heart level.

Working Through the Triggers

Have you ever felt the same way? Stuck somewhere and not loving it? Unsure why the task/job seems so monumental? Wondering when it will change from a drain to a spigot? Trying to figure out how you can make it better? Questioning if what you’re feeling makes you a bad person?

Those questions, along with worry I was missing my true purpose/calling in life, led to working through the Made For This: 40 Days to Living Your Purpose devotional. Author Jennie Allen recently gave the task of listing our “places”. Mine were simple: Home, Farm, Blog, Community of friends, Teacher. We were then asked to prayerfully consider if we should stay in those places or if God was calling us to move elsewhere.

I thought I was gaining a sense of clarity on which direction to move in. But then this “epiphany” of how I felt stifled being a stay at home mom popped up. Why? Had I been misjudging the Holy Spirit’s leading this year to keep staying home? More praying and listening ensued.

My conclusion – again – was as much as I want the answer of Home to be a place of moving on, it just isn’t. I continued to get a clear sense from God this season of my life is meant to be at home. I still wrestle with it. Perhaps He’s enabled this season of staying home to teach me things I haven’t quite gotten yet (thick skull and all). Below are a few things I’ve been reminded of working through this.

Gentle Reminders

~ My place may not seem like a blessing…but God’s blessings will still be found there. The timing of this struggle coupled with the contents in the devotional, is no coincidence. God knew this would come up again and he provided appropriate means to sift through things. A blessing in itself!

~ Reframe, reframe, reframe! I can choose to look at things in a positive light and purposefully find reasons to find joy and life OR I can choose to wallow (and consequently make life harder for everything/everyone else around me). The more I fill my day with joy, the less I think about all the what if’s.

~ Prayer & God’s Word. Some of my worst days come when I get caught up in being too busy to spend my normal time with God. He does not promise an easy life, but he does promise refreshment when we come looking for it.

~ Talk about it! Whatever your struggle happens to be, I can guarantee you are not the only one in the world. Life is always better when I share what I need help with. It may not change the situation, but I’ve gotten it off my chest and know others are rooting for me. Remember – it takes a village!

~ It is ok to feel this way. I am not a bad mom just because I struggle with wishing I was doing something other than staying at home. It means I’m human and have room for growth.

~ Look for the root cause of the struggle. Dealing with “symptoms” will only mask the real issue and can cause delays in healing/moving forward. Don’t be surprised if the root changes or a new root comes up with healing and growing. Seek professional help if needed, that’s totally ok!

The kids and I have many good days. They are far from perfect and I’m sometimes exhausted from the effort spent trying to be present, but as I practice the things listed above it does get easier and the smiles come more naturally. So, if you’re in the same boat I am, don’t give up! Find someone(s) to provide encouragement and accountability. This season will pass too – probably all too quickly!