Fighting For Identity
Don’t you just love when separate thoughts occur, but then one after the other they all start pointing to one main idea? I’ve had this happen the last few months. It’s been really cool. The topic that spurred these thoughts was not.
Identity Crisis.
You may have heard me mention my struggle with this before. I know I’m not alone or there wouldn’t be thousands of books available focusing on this topic. Maybe if I read one, I wouldn’t still be trying to wrap my head around it. Lol
However, here I am, in my mid-thirties: still feeling lost, still wondering what makes me special, still grappling with a sense of discontentment. My identity used to be the pregnant teen, then it was the church goer gone rogue, then it was the auto racer, then it was a CrossFit participant, and now “just” a mom. Who am I – really???
Do you find yourself thinking the same thing? Looking at yourself through the camera lens? Wondering what the final edited version of you should look like? Fighting to feel like your identity serves a purpose? I do.
Fortunately, God saw fit to bring three things to my attention, which are helping me during this journey of finding Peggy.
1. What Do I Idolize?
This may seem weird at first – it did to me – but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how closely this plays into how I define myself. A friend showed me a small section of text from one of Michael John Cusick’s books. He was talking about how we can make gods out of anything these days. The energy we put forth to “worship” these gods often ends up consuming us in detrimental ways.
At one point he said, “We might make a god out of alcohol – turning to it addictively to meet all sorts of inner needs – or maybe we make a god out of not drinking alcohol.”
Did you notice the italicized word – whoa – guilty as charged! As we’ve been on our health journey and finding out how harmful conventional, synthetic, man-made things are to the body – we’ve made it our mission to remove any such things from our home, to not buy food containing those things, to not eat out at certain places, etc.
I’m sure our family is sick of hearing our synopsis on why certain substances aren’t healthy, on why they shouldn’t eat what they do, or why they should try alternative medical care. Does it come from good intentions? Yes. Do we focus on it too much at times? Yes. Has it debilitated our decision making or caused stress? Yes. Has it caused disagreements between family members? Yes.
Those answers point a pretty clear picture of something that, even though necessary due to health issues, has gotten out of hand. My body won’t shut down from eating fast food occasionally. People might enjoy talking to me better if I just listen instead of offer advice. And there will always be another day to learn something new.
It may be hard to see the connection between this and my identity, but what it boils down to (for me) is this:
~ By focusing so much energy on trying to “find myself” I am making it an idol.
~ I may not have an alcohol/drug/food/shopping/etc. addiction, but I have things I pride myself on NOT doing and that is just as bad!
2. You Only Die Once!
Traveling when you try to eat a certain way is hard. One would think, considering the topic of my first point, I should learn to go with the flow and not let it be a big deal. But (sigh) I am human!
When in Florida last weekend, we ended up eating at a Chic-fil-A. I seriously considered not ordering. Fast food is something I don’t usually do. Not only did I not know how my body would react to it, I didn’t want to imagine what the ingredient list was like. However, my grumbly tummy took over and I ordered plain chicken tenders with fries and water.
As we sat down to eat, I took a big breath and said, “Well you only live once, right?” and took my first ever bit of Chick-fil-A. My brother paused what he was doing looked at me and said “No – you only die once – you live every single day.”
Was I humbled! I sat there for a minute with nothing to say. My only thought was “How much life have I wasted not embracing every day?”
I am a planner who thrives on being organized and paying attention to detail. Give me a future project and my calendar soon contains things to do all the way up until completion day.
While this is great, my life will not cease to exist without some future list of things to accomplish. I am not less of a person if I decide to live day by day. I am not a bad mom/wife/sibling/friend if I don’t respond or get something done because I was practicing being present.
I can live for the day and the future and still be Peggy. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. My identity will change as I grow and learn and that’s perfectly ok!
3. Who My Creator Is
For as long as I can remember, I put more emphasize on who I am according to social norms. Do I have the latest clothes, hair style, shoes? How big and up to date is our house? How many extra activities am I involved in? How physically fit/strong am I? How many friends do I have on Facebook? How many people follow my blog? It’s an endless cycle of questions.
Sure, there have been periods of time where I felt confident in who I was and lately I’ve been able to care less what others think of me. But at some point, the self-check questions start creeping in again.
I’ve been reading through the book Isaiah in the Bible lately. The last couple chapters have been “A Prophecy to_______” fill in the city name. They are not good prophecies. They include destruction of buildings, lands, crops, and people. Today chapter 22 verse 11 caught my eye: “…but you did not look at the One who made it or have regard for the One who planned it long ago.”
The people living in Jerusalem were being given this reason (among others) for their downfall during Isaiah’s prophecy.
I have failed to remember that I am God’s creation, thought up before my great-great-great-great-great-grandparents ever existed. I am beautifully and wonderfully made. It doesn’t matter how many times I gain weight/say the wrong thing/don’t wear the latest trend/start and stop another hobby/or screw up. Not one single part of that matters!!!!!
My Creator thinks I’m awesome just the way I am. By trying to be someone I’m not, looking to other people for validation, pressuring myself to be better, wasting time and energy worrying about my identity I have caused destruction in my own life.
I don’t need to be perfect because my Creator is. My identity does not determine my worth because my Creator says I’m worth more than gold.
I’ll be writing this down in a few places around the house to remind myself that I don’t need a certain “identity”. An identity is just a label. And labels shouldn’t exist because they don’t to God. And that is what I will focus on and remind myself of the next time I start asking myself “Who am I?”.
