How to Work Through the Forgiveness Journey

Have you ever felt like you should be “over it”, whatever it is, and yet just can’t seem to arrive there? You are not alone!

My oldest son was adopted and is now twenty years old. If I give myself, say two years, to go through the grieving process; then I have had eighteen years to work through “all the things”. Seems reasonable, right?

Nevertheless, earlier this year I found myself in a position of still hanging on to unforgiveness and bitterness about my birth mother experience and so many other things from the past.

In my post A Dangerous Prayer, I wrote about my journey with this process and how I ultimately ended up connecting with my psychologist again. Thankfully, I’ve worked with her since my teenage years, so not much backstory was needed, and we were able to dive right into the nitty gritty.

I will admit right off the bat, I was not prepared for the amount of work required to truly dig deep. I was also surprised to hear some of the things we spoke about labeled as trauma but understood why as we continued to work together. Here are some of the tools we used, along with a short note on how it helped me. I hope you find something helpful for your own journey; whether past, present, or future!

The Enright Process Model of Psychological Forgiveness by Phillip M. Sutton, Ph.D.

This article is taken from Robert D. Enright, PhD’s research on forgiveness. Excellent information on what forgiveness is and isn’t and things to consider while working through the four phases, which are Uncovering, Decision, Work, and Deepening. Each phase has a list of questions to respond to and address before moving to the next. Enright founded the International Forgiveness Institute website as well, which has a wealth of information on the topic, a helpful “How to Forgive” section, and resources.

I appreciated how some of the questions made me think past myself to consider the offenders point of view/life situation at the time of offense and growing up and what I may need to ask forgiveness for. I was surprised at how many unprocessed feelings bubbled up while working through the Uncovering Phase. For each situation/area of life/person I struggled with, I started a new “page” to go through the four phases again.

Enright Forgiveness Process Model

This is taken directly from the International Forgiveness Institute. It’s the same Forgiveness Model Phillip Sutton talks about, but the questions are worded differently, which I found helpful when I got stuck at certain points.

Trauma Egg Exercise

This exercise has you look at your life, all the way back to birth (or whenever you first memory is), and write down anything and everything that caused you pain and/or was difficult (betrayal, trauma, disappointment, abandonment, abuse, embarrassment, etc.). You also think about how you would have described your parents as a child and what you would have considered your family’s “marching orders”.

This was immensely helpful in uncovering “narratives or themes” throughout my life that needed to be addressed. Once I knew what I was subconsciously and/or consciously fighting, it was easier to look at things with a different perspective. This was huge for me, because it allowed me to see what I had to change to stop repeating the narratives I did not like or were damaging to me and/or my relationships.

It also gave me the opportunity to look at my life from different perspectives: as an outsider, as a little girl (when some trauma took place), as a teenager (another trauma time), as an adult looking at how my children see me, as my parents looking at a young me. After processing all those, I was able to begin releasing emotions and bondage.

This exercise took the longest. Interestingly enough, as I worked through this, I found it much easier to work through the Forgiveness Models questions. And no, I did not use super huger paper, but I had quite the stack of 8.5” by 11” at the end!

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

I have never read a non-fiction book so fast in my life! It explains various ways the body physiologically reacts to and processes trauma. As you can imagine, the reaction is different for every single person. I found it fascinating to read the science behind things. In addition, I have a much better understanding of why it can be so hard to work through things, why some never fully recover, and why there are so many broken individuals in this world.

Simply put – they are not really receiving the personalized care they need. Instead, they are being lumped into a group, told they are overreacting, ignored, and/or told medications alone will fix everything. My heart truly hurt and multiple times I found myself crying and assessing my own empathy meter. So many people misunderstood over what we do not take the time to know and acknowledge.

I began to see why it was not easy for me to just “Forgive & Forget” and move past certain memories. I was not broken, being selfish/ignorant/sinful, or refusing to look at things from an unbiased perspective.

It is written in an easy to read/follow format. Statistics, studies, articles, etc. are all fully referenced. Pictures of graphs and drawing included to further explain. Dr. van der Kolk does reference various case studies, including those from his own practice, so there may be triggers for some. I think every adult should read this book; especially regarding how we interact with children, as they will be the next generation building the future!

Bible & Journal

At times, I would look up certain Bible verses/passages dealing with forgiveness and healing. However, I discovered early on I needed to take a break from the current Bible study I was working through. My head was swimming with too much information (aka emotions) to really soak in anything else. At first, I struggled because I felt “unchristian” not doing regular Bible reading. Then I recognized God was using this time for a different kind of reading/healing, gave myself permission to not feel guilty, committed to keeping open communication with Him, and the relationship grew stronger. So, no worries if you cannot balance it all!

I like to write, and it helps me process things. It is not something I do all the time, but when working through something, especially on a deeper level, I make it a goal to journal after each “step”. It enables me to decompress and acknowledge things too hard to voice out loud. Journaling is also an excellent way to look back at the progress you have made.

For me, these were a wonderful catalyst to discover more about myself, heal my heart and mind, and work towards releasing the things that were draining me. A definite bonus was as I worked to process things, relationships got better, it was easier to find my joy, and my relationship with God bumped to a higher level. So much more could be said, but for this post, I wanted to stick to just the tools. Stay tuned for another one talking about personal insights I learned along the way.

Always remember, there is nothing so huge, so heavy, so life-changing God cannot handle and will not extend forgiveness for!

But He said, “The things that are impossible with people are possible with God.” Luke 18:27