Peer pressure is usually thought of as a bad thing. However, sometimes it can come across as accountability, which can be a good thing. For example, when we’re talking about checking up on friends and wanting the best for them, sometimes a well-timed, respectful question or comment can make a difference.

Continuing with the “What Could Have Prevented My Teenage Pregnancy?” series, this post will focus on accountability and assumptions. Check out these links for more information on the background story, and how not openly communicating and the absence of boundaries played a role in my teen pregnancy.

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Minimal Accountability

As I continued to feel fulfilled by the birth father, I slowly started to withdraw from friends and church. Initially, it felt odd since church was such a huge part of my life, but the thought of not spending time with him led to anxiety.

Withdrawing made it easier to keep secrets. It also meant I wasn’t connected to reality, and chances of me seeing healthy relationships modeled were slim. Before long, I had become dependent on him, and things quickly grew unbalanced.

Those around me may have assumed I knew better or was being deliberately rebellious. But to this day, I struggle to describe my mental state during our relationship. It’s a scary place to have one part of your brain quietly saying “wrong” and the other part screaming “love, acceptance, future, can’t live without” at the same time.

I can only recall one, maybe two friends approaching me to ask about my relationship with the birth father. Feelings of guilt, conviction, and anxiety loomed on the surface. If they realized something was off, who else did? But as time went on, nothing else was said, and it left my mind.

On my “Have Accountability” Radar

Parents: Remember the saying about assuming, “it makes an a** out of you and me”? Don’t ever assume! Ever! It’s always better to be wrong than to ignore something with potential consequences, especially life-changing ones.

Do not assume everything is fine, that someone is aware of what’s going on, and/or that things are being handled appropriately. Sometimes it’s a “fish out of water” situation and all that’s happening is lots of floundering. Sometimes those involved have blinders on and need an outside party to point things out.

See a change in your child’s behavior? Question them. Has a trusted friend or your child’s friend brought up concerns about your child? Listen and observe. Have you seen a change in one of your child’s friends? Prayerfully consider respectfully approaching their parents.

I’m not saying we should expect our friends or our children’s friends to step into parental roles, but every so often, a little outside influence can make a difference or at least cause a pause in thinking.

How to approach an accountability conversation

Admittedly, it isn’t easy to have someone question what we hold dear or if a certain behavior is appropriate. It’s even harder to talk to teenagers/young adults who feel they know more than seasoned adults. It’s tough to risk the possibility of damaging a relationship. However, I think most of us would feel worse if something unfortunate happened and we never said anything.

It’s important to start this type of conversation without putting someone on the defense. Using statements beginning with “I feel” or “I’ve noticed” or “It seems” comes across less accusatory than saying things like, “Your child did xyz” or “Haven’t you noticed xyz” or “Why haven’t you addressed xyz”.

Cloak the conversation in love, with empathy, communicating there is a desire to help. Quiet your own thoughts to focus on listening to them. Keep your expression pleasant/neutral to avoid shutting down a conversation. And remember, pray beforehand, pray during, pray afterwards!

Cultural Side Note

The friend who approached me with questions was a fellow church goer from school. I don’t normally like stereotypes; however, in this situation I think it might make a difference.

When looking at mainstream society, having premarital sex isn’t a big deal. It’s edified in the entertainment industry, talked about casually on other platforms, and children are taught how to do it “safely” starting in middle school.

So, for those with no and/or differing religious beliefs and values, my changing behavior might have been considered completely normal. A high school couple having a sexual relationship wouldn’t have triggered any questions.

Friends make a huge difference. Be in prayer for your children to find the right ones! Be in prayer for you as an adult, to have other respectful adult friends, with similar beliefs. The popular saying, “It takes a village.”, holds wisdom!

My Mother’s Feedback:

It was easy for me as a parent to view my children as mature. Wisdom is learned, maturing is a process, and privileges are earned. I missed the step-by-step of teaching/coaching them to make choices (about any number of things, whether big or small). By holding them age appropriately accountable for their choices, I would have had guard-rails in place, i.e.: going out in groups (as opposed to one-on-one date; when in the home, not alone in a room; curfews; and appropriate consequences in place.

Where Peggy has identified a lack of friends checking up on the changes in her, had I been more intentionally paying attention to how she was spending her time and with who, it would have been wise for me to a) plan a time when we could talk (like talk in the car while driving to a destination) or b) connect with a counselor/wise adult confidant – for her, myself or both of us.

Never Assume!

When we don’t know the young person, their family or family history, don’t assume they’re good OR bad. As a former Police Desk Sergeant used to say: there are two basic rules: 1) Never assume! and 2) There are two sides to every story. That said, keep consistent, appropriate boundaries in place. And be ready to take a loving stand when it comes to consequences.

Know yourself

Married? Discuss and work through your child-rearing in lockstep with your spouse! Tackle the areas you disagree on before your children get to the next stage. Can’t agree? Find and connect with someone you respect to help you work it out. Read some sound parenting books.

Need to be more available? Do a self-examination to make necessary adjustments.

Teach children how to make good choices from early on.

Working on a personal weakness? If you see the same thing in your child and its age appropriate, share what you’ve learned with them. It will be affirming for you as well.

Boundary troubles? Read ‘Boundaries’ by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Find a mentor versed in Boundaries to help you become wiser.

God loves you! You’re not alone. Read His Word. Pray. Find a few good friends – you’ll help each other along the way.

Next Up

Sex education! Most of us went through it and most of our children will go through some version of it. The next post will look at my response to the sex education I had and conversations I wish I would have had at home!

Have any questions? Please ask! Any other birth parents have something to add? Please share!