Welcome to the third post in the series titled “What Could Have Prevented My Teenage Pregnancy?” I would be remiss if I didn’t take time to address the topic of boundaries.  We should all have boundaries within every relationship. Each relationship’s boundaries will look different, but they should exist.

The last two posts looked at how a lack of parental love and not having better communication skills played a role in my becoming a pregnant teen. While this post can be read alone, the first one and second one will provide more background and insight.

Today I’ll share what I learned about boundaries after my teen pregnancy and why I feel they’re such a big deal.

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Absence of Boundaries

Creating and enforcing boundaries was a foreign concept to my parents and me. A couple months into dating, the birth father faced a public fallout with his parents that resulted in him needing a place to live. Wanting to provide shelter and empathize, my parents invited him to stay in our home for a short while.

A short while turned into a long while. It generated tension with my siblings, disrupted the family atmosphere, and created opportunities for unsupervised time.  A steady cycle of troubling behavior was allowed by all of us.

After realizing I was pregnant, I felt stuck as I tried to process how life was going to completely change while simultaneously hiding my pregnancy. I knew my relationship with the birth father was unhealthy, yet I didn’t want to go through the process without him, so I let things continue.

What is a Boundary?

In Drs. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend’s book Boundaries, they are described as “personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life.” The authors look at “when to say yes/no, how to say no, how to set healthy limits, and know your limitations, all so you can take control of your life”.

They are further explained as, “Physical boundaries help you determine who may touch you and under what circumstances. Mental boundaries give you freedom to have your own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries help you deal with your own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Spiritual boundaries help you distinguish God’s will from your own and give you renewed awe for your Creator.”

I highly recommend reading this book (multiple variations available) and talking things through with your spouse and your children as appropriate. It will help define what boundaries should exist for you and your family.

A Boundaries Example

A big example of boundaries we learned, is the concerns and safety of immediate family (spouse and children) should come first.

Had a protective boundary around the children of the family been in place, inviting the birth father to live with us never should have happened. Our offer of support should have looked more like lending a listening ear and prayer, nothing else.

A protective boundary would have considered:

• How much alone time would be accessible to the boyfriend/girlfriend?
• What kind of influence would the young adult have on the youngest male child?
• How would the oldest male child’s relationship with the parents be affected by bringing another similar aged male into the home?
• Does the time, energy, and finances exist to bring another young adult into the home?
• How will this affect everyone emotionally, mentally, physically?
• Is this other person our responsibility?

On my “Have Better Boundaries” Radar

Parents: Boundaries are so essential! Model what healthy boundaries looks like with your spouse, children, friendships, workplace, church, activities. Work with your spouse to decide what boundaries should be created for your family (in private), and then talk about them as a family.

empower children to say “no”

This may seem odd to some, but I feel it’s important to make sure your children know it’s okay to say “No”. Especially to those older than them, no matter the gender, when appropriate. I grew up in an atmosphere where children were to be seen and not heard. We were expected to obey, without questions. I was a people pleaser and rule follower, so in situations where things felt wrong, I didn’t question anything. I either froze or went along out of habit.

That’s a very dangerous way to live life. We need to teach our children to create, recognize, and stand up for their own personal boundaries. It may also be beneficial to plan “code words” for them to use when contacting you in any situation they may need help enforcing boundaries (ie: bad dating experience, driving, drinking, house party).

Enforce boundaries

As parents, it’s important to stay firm in enforcing boundaries. It’s not our job to be our children’s best friends. By that, I mean there may come a time when you will be their least favorite person because you didn’t allow them to go to the party, on the trip, go out with that boy/girl, watch the popular movie, or xyz. And that’s ok; their safety and well-being need to come first.

I completely understand creating and enforcing a boundary doesn’t guarantee compliance. However, part of this goes back to open communication. Having those tough and awkward conversations ahead of time (not in the heat of the moment), paves the way for discussions on why the boundary exists, which should be for their protection.

My Mother’s Feedback:

It goes without saying that learning Boundaries as a result of Peggy’s teen pregnancy was one of, if not the biggest and hardest experience of my life.  What would I have done differently? When Peggy and her brothers were little, the big parenting theme in christian circles was ‘obey!’. Looking back, I can see now that a truth out of context is unhealthy.

I would have imagined a ‘fence’ around all three of my children.  A ‘fence’ to protect and define who I was responsible for, what was or wasn’t allowed, to ‘keep the good in, and the bad out’. I needed help to say ‘no’ to the bad, and expect resistance to and/or anger from the child who heard ‘no’;  then pray, love whichever child, and maintain the boundary. I believe boundaries are the baseline of human relationships. If I’d had the right boundaries, you wouldn’t be reading this post.

Having come to know Jesus at age 29, I read the Bible for learning early on.  The best habit I would have liked to cultivate, would have been to read and ask, “what do I need to apply to my life today?”

Next Up

Sometimes a little accountability goes a long way. When it seems like no one’s checking up on you, things like discipline and integrity can fall to the wayside. Next time, I’ll share my thoughts on how one’s friends might be able to help. 

Have any questions? Please ask! Any other birth parents have something to add? Please share!

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