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I recently started a blog series looking at answers to the question, “What Could Have Prevented My Teenage Pregnancy?” I shared what instigated the question, some of my family life background, and why the question was initially difficult to answer. While this post can be read alone, I would recommend reading the first one to gain better context before diving into communication.

My teenage pregnancy was a result of many things that stemmed from feeling like I wasn’t loved. The lack of love I felt, lead to a giant heart shaped hole, and I didn’t know how to effectively communicate the hurt it caused.

Had I been better equipped, or felt I had someone/somewhere to go and express my feelings, I might not have jumped so quickly “heart first” into a dating relationship.

This post looks at the communication style I grew up with, how it affected me (and still does if I’m honest), and what I’ll try to do differently with my children as they age.

Communication Growing Up

I don’t ever remember my parents arguing, discussing hard things, or talking about my dad’s illnesses with us. Communication was not something overly present in our household despite an underlying sense all was not okay.

There was no desire to talk to my dad, as half our conversations left me feeling like I was bothering him, and the other half were deferred to my mom.

My mom and I had good conversations, but many things stayed surface level. She was not one to cozy up and talk with or empathize much. Our relationship was not strong enough for me to feel comfortable expressing the deep hurts I felt.

Transmission Halt

When I started to feel off kilter, I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. It seemed taboo to bring up emotional upheaval with either of my parents. Although I wrote poetry to cope with life, for the most part I just kept things secret. As a result, I stuffed emotions inside, avoided communication, and didn’t learn how to process what I was feeling.

Not only did that affect my relationship with my parents, but it also affected how things progressed with my son’s birth father. Multiple red flags arose while we were together, but I had no clue what to do about it.

My parents modeled behavior came to mind, so I followed suit, which meant not bringing anything up and living like everything was fine. No way did I feel comfortable approaching them, or any adult in my sphere, when the relationship progressed farther than it should have, or when I began to suspect I was pregnant.

On my “Have Better Communication” Radar

Parents: Children are incredibly perceptive! Don’t be afraid to let them see what it looks like to have healthy discussions, to not agree but work together, to let them know what you’re struggling with, to admit wrongdoing and ask forgiveness. All age appropriately.

Looking back, I wish we would have talked about the hard things instead of pretending things were fine. Don’t put those conversations off. It’s always easier to talk about matters when you’re not in the heat of the moment. Model the behavior you would like and/or expect in return when communicating.

communicate changes

If the family dynamic will be changing, talk about why, when, what, how! As shifts in puberty come close, talk about what changes to expect. As various adolescent stages arise (driving, working, dating, sex, etc.), talk about your family values, what healthy dating looks like, what certain behaviors lead to (ie: consequences), what behavior is expected of them.

Plan time to chat with your kids, on a consistent basis, and let them know NO topic is off limits. As hard as it may be, stay calm even if a conversation surprises, saddens, maddens you.

Express gratitude if they do open up with you. Follow through on any commitments made during conversations. As silly as it seems to have to “prove” ourselves to our children, we do! There are a lot of people and places children can turn to these days. If we want to be their number one option, then we need to create and foster an environment where they feel comfortable, loved, safe, and unjudged.

communication “love language(s)”

When we care about someone, part of honoring the relationship involves learning their likes, dislikes, triggers, weaknesses, strengths, AND communication style. The tricky part is, everyone has a different background and communicates differently.

I didn’t learn about Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, until I was married. It was like a light bulb went off, and so many things made more sense. I no longer wondered where disconnections and constant miscommunication came from.

I wasn’t speaking people’s love language! For example, I might run myself ragged getting all sorts of “to-do list” things done for someone, thinking I’m showing/communicating to them how important they are because I put their “needs” first. But in reality, all that person wants is quality time with me and snuggles, and my running around comes off as ignoring them.

Chapman wrote a similar book geared towards children. The 5 Love Languages of Children book shares, “Every child has a unique way of feeling loved. When you discover your child’s love language – and how to speak it – you can build a solid foundation for your child to trust you and flourish as they grow.”

Read the book! Learn how to speak to your child in a way that fills them up and keeps them coming back for more!

communicate with god

Pray FOR your children! Pray WITH your children! Model prayer for them throughout all types of life situations.

Show them how easy it is to communicate with God, how honest they can be with Him, and remind them He is always available.

My Mother’s Feedback:

In the midst of everyday life, I ‘lived’ what had been modeled in my own growing up, which was: keep going forward, no nonsense, no sick days, work. At the age of 69, puzzle pieces fell into place during a visit with a cousin I hadn’t seen in 60 some years.

CO-DEPENDENCY

As a result of our visit, I learned where my own dysfunction of co-dependency originated. I was very burdened with the revelation it was too late to go back and excavate habits of anger, snapping at those around me, and perfectionism. In an effort to break the waterfall effects of dysfunction on my children and grandchildren, I shared it with our children.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Cause and effect on families if I may: I believe now more than ever, it is critical for couples to participate in pre-marriage counseling. As a college student, and middle class 21-year-old, I didn’t believe I needed it. Regardless of any situation or circumstance, two different cultures come together in a marriage. The time spent doing pre-marriage counseling will shed light on differences and expectations (responsibilities, finances, children, lifestyle, etc.), provide a platform for open discussions before reality sinks in, provide tools to navigate ‘life’ throughout the years, and in many instances, avert crises that cripple.

MOVING FORWARD

Personally, in the years since Peggy’s teen pregnancy, I have and still do lean into 1 John 1:9 and cling to the fact that choices I made or neglected to make were sin, and that once I confessed them, I was forgiven, and continue to stand against the many reminders that drag me down.

Next: Unexpected Teen Pregnancy #3

Boundaries! These are must haves in any relationship and are especially important to have when raising children. Next time I’ll share what I learned about boundaries and what kind of boundaries existed when I was a teen.

Have any questions? Please ask! Any other birth parents have something to add? Please share!