Life Lessons: What Could Have Prevented My Unexpected Teen Pregnancy

I was enjoying breakfast with some friends, when a topic took me by surprise. Sex education. I thought, No way are some of our kids old enough for this! I suppose my own teen pregnancy was fairly young, but still!

Everyone started recalling what grade they were in, whether it was separate or combined, who taught them, how detailed it was, etc. General pondering about what could/should be done now that our children are nearing that age ensued. I sat there, vaguely recalling my own experience, as thoughts swirled through my head.

Someone asked if I had an opinion. After thinking for a few seconds, I decided to be honest and replied, “I guess I don’t feel qualified to answer since I ended up being pregnant at 15 years old. Obviously, whatever teen pregnancy talks I had didn’t work.”

My friends responded that it made me even more qualified. Then someone asked if there was anything I felt would have made a difference. Perhaps talking more about it with my parents or in the church???

I thought for another second and gave a half-truth. Shrugging my shoulders, I said, “I’m not really sure if it would have or not.”

The Other Half of My Teen Pregnancy Thoughts

Since then, my answer has bothered me for many reasons.

• I wasn’t completely honest with my friends, not okay.

• It’s hard to obey God’s call to write this since I still struggle with feeling ashamed over certain things.

• Sharing my teen pregnancy story feels like airing out my families dirty laundry; even though my parents and I have had time for tough discussions, voicing feelings, asking and offering forgiveness; and all is good.

But foremost, because after having several years to process and heal, there are things I think may have helped. Things I’ll be watching for and trying my hardest to provide as my own children get older. 

Would these things have prevented my teen pregnancy, or will they prevent an unplanned pregnancy in the future? I don’t know. Nothing is guaranteed, but it never hurts to be aware.

A Little Bit of Background

I grew up in a typical middle-class family very involved in church. My elementary school years were spent playing, participating in our church’s children programming, doing 4H, and looking forward to vacations.

In middle and early high school, my dad’s chronic disease had several flair ups resulting in surgeries and extended hospital stays. As my dad recovered, my mom balanced caring for him, me and my siblings, the house, and her full-time job. In many ways, I saw her as a single mom.

Home life began to feel different despite maintaining involvement in all the same things. There was an underlying sense of tension and “tiptoeing” around my parents. Of course, now I understand the financial hardships, health insurance complications, and overwhelming responsibility that comes with a chronic disease. But as a teenager, it was hard to identify.

Absence of Parental Love & Connection

Throughout those years, my physical needs were met, but my emotional and mental needs were not. Although my dad was home, he wasn’t “present”. I didn’t realize until much later he’s struggled with mental illness as well, which may be part of what I subconsciously picked up on as a teen. I just equated it to not having a father figure.

My mom was busy trying to keep everything afloat while staying involved in her various church and club activities. There wasn’t much down time to just hang out and chat. Emotionally connecting was hard as she tended to be very even keel/no nonsense, which came across as not caring.

Although not intentional, I felt lost in everything going on. I was crying out for help. An attempt to hurt myself physically was met with seeming indifference. Emotional outbreaks were chalked up to changing hormones. Long story short, I didn’t feel loved in my own home.

This meant when I met an older boy, who made me the center of his world, it was all too easy to fall wholeheartedly into his arms. He provided things I wasn’t receiving at home: comfort, a listening ear, a sense of security, attention, and belonging.

On My “Avoid Teen Pregnancy” Radar

Parents: Love, love, love on your children. It might be easy to think, “Well Duh”, but modern day society values having, doing, and being “all the things” more than the actual people. In addition, if a storm comes along and your focus is on other things, it’s easy for things to slip through the cracks. Here are a few suggestions and resources:

BE PRESENT

Let your children know you’re there and available. When life gets super busy, it’s easy to assume everything’s going ok until there’s a blow up. Make sure they see you around physically and hear you verbally, in a loving manner. 

Take a couple of minutes each day to check in with them. Stop, make eye contact, vocally ask questions, and then follow up with related questions. Spark conversations that are more than a quick “Hi/Bye/How was your day?”.

Aim to schedule regular hang out time with your children, one-on-one, doing something they like to do (even if it’s your least favorite). It may mean putting a reminder in the calendar and setting aside your own personal desires. Make it a fun “date”! Even if it only happens once a month, this gives children something to look forward to.

BE AWARE

As children grow and communicate better, be more verbal with checking in to make sure their needs are being met. At some point, snarky teenage replies may be all you receive back. THAT is why it’s important to be aware of what’s going on yourself. Pay attention to their moods, what they express interest in, what and where they’re spending their time.

Don’t ignore changes in attitude or behavior, whether subtle or big. If your child seems to be struggling, stick with them no matter how bad it gets. If something seems off or you don’t know what to do, don’t be afraid to ask a professional for help. This is especially important if any form of illness and/or trauma is effecting anyone in the home.

Take note of who their friends are. Get to know them (and their parents). Even the most independent, confident person is influenced by others at some point. Be aware of what kind of influences surround your children.

BE INVOLVED

This requires being intentional with raising them. Society today sets an overly busy pace. Between school, work, sports, clubs, church, etc. (theirs and yours), there’s not much time left in a day to actually parent your children. Most of a child’s time is filled by everyone else but their parents.

Make sure you’re investing your own time in your children and their life. Ways to involve yourself: volunteer to help with group, stay and watch the event, offer to drive carpool. Carve out time to be home after school and on weekends so your home can become a fun, safe place for your children and their friends to hang out (with you home!).

Make a commitment to them. I get how hard this is, but it’s vital. It may mean setting aside your interests for a season. It may mean getting more disciplined with your schedule, priorities, free time. Whatever it takes, let them know they are important to you by showing it, not just saying it!

My Mother’s Feedback:

Let’s go another generation deep – a birth mother’s mother! While writing this series, I wondered what my mom would think of my teen pregnancy “prevention” suggestions? What would hers be? What would she do differently? I’m excited she has graciously agreed to share her perspective throughout the series! Following are her thoughts:

It was an honor, and to be honest a bit humbling and scary when Peggy asked me to add some thoughts to her posts.

Peggy has learned how to be brutally honest, do the hard work, and share it to bless others, which I admire and am proud of.

As I look back, and based on what I’ve learned in the last 22 years, if I had a ‘do-over’ here’s what I’d ‘wish’ for Peggy, as well as her brothers: I would not have had the mind-set that children are ‘mini-adults’. I would have taken the time in their first year or two to be more compassionate and provide the security and warmth that lay the foundation for security.  This would have been more critical for Peggy as a second born, and then as a middle child.

One-on-One

I believe intentionality and providing time and space for one-on-one time would have been necessary when it came to circumstances out of my control (chronic health issue, working outside the home). Whether a reminder in my calendar, a pink post-it, etc., or taking advantage of ‘windshield time’/ time spent in the car driving. This would have included making limits on my own ‘extra-curricular’ or ministry involvements.

Encouragement

Also, I would like to have been more observant of Peggy and her brothers’ character qualities and been intentional to recognize and encourage them in their strengths and positive choices (age appropriately, and based on observable substance). Making comments like, “that was kind of you to …., you have a heart for  ……,  that was a good choice, that must have been hard to say no, ….. etc.”

CoDependence

When it comes to having a loved one with a chronic illness, I was not aware of the dangers of becoming codependent to the illness itself. It is a delicate balance of watchfulness/worry/hovering/deferring while respecting, giving dignity to, and maintaining appropriate boundaries with my hubby. 

Next: Unexpected Teen Pregnancy #2

My teen pregnancy was also affected by not having good communication. I’ll share my struggles and suggestions with that in the next post.

Have any questions? Please ask! Any other birth parents have something to add? Please share!

Read about my other birth parent experiences here!