The Power of a Positive Mindset

Ran across this quote the other day: “When one door closes, another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell

My initial reaction: The proverbial open door…. Does it really exist? Why are they so hard to find? And why do mine always seem closed?! Then I read it again. But this time, I didn’t just skim over it and shut my brain off after the first portion. So here it is again “…but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” Huh – I didn’t even realize there was more …. and the last part? Jam packed with hard truth.

Disclaimer: This became longer than intended, but the heart knows no limit, right?! The following looks at some of the ways that type of negative pattern affected my relationships. As they say: May you learn from my mistakes!

I’m not sure about you, but I struggle with this. Staring at the closed door, obsessively analyzing everything leading up to said door closing, berating myself for things I could have done better (or so I thought), and wondering when I would stumble across the next open door. This seems to happen a little too often and in the same areas. A big one being friends.

Growing up, I was never the person with a million friends and endless invitations to go to this party or that dance. I was the quiet one with a couple friends I spent almost every possible waking moment with, loved like a sister, and felt I would die for. We knew each other since diapers. For several years we would rotate whose house we spent the weekend at. We did everything together. We were a very tight group – until some life altering things happened halfway through high school. After that, things turned cordial. For many reasons, life and friendships were never the same for me. I found it a constant struggle to move on, open up, and put faith in someone. I categorized new acquaintances as just that – the door to trust was closed.

Feeling sorry for oneself is a dangerous thing. So is placing blame as to why relationships fail. In retrospect – high school is such an emotionally charged time of life anyway. Teens are growing, experiencing new things, meeting new people, getting into various sports/clubs/work fields, etc. I couldn’t see past my own hurt to realize that sometimes people change and as a result so do relationships. Nothing personal, just the evolution of new things.

About a year later I was blessed to have my older brother take me under his wings. He had a tight knit, eclectic group of friends and several of them soon became mine. I formed a deeper friendship with one girl in particular; which I’m forever grateful for, as I was still healing from past hurts and starting to realize my lack of friends might be my own doing. She was kind, thoughtful, and offered insight.

Looking back, I was spending too much time trying to figure out what happened with my previous friendships. Thoughts like: What did I say wrong? Did I forget something? Why wasn’t forgiveness enough? were consuming me and making me blind to those reaching out right next to me.

Once I opened my eyes; relationships started gaining ground again. Over the course of the next few years I had friends come and go. For a while I latched onto anything offered afraid to miss what could be my next best friend. I looked at any new acquaintance as an open door. I certainly had lots of fun during this time period; however, I was not always wise with the decision to leave every door open. Some doors left me feeling burned and broken. In my skewed rational this meant the door to friendships was closed again. After all, how many times can a person go through this?

Some doors should have been shut. Some doors were not good influences. In my efforts to never feel lonely again; I mistook some doors as being open. Really, it was God presenting me with a choice to follow him or not. Unfortunately, at times I choose not to, which only compounded the emptiness later.

Enter my now husband a few years later. Amazingly enough the friendship was no problem. We had our love of fast cars in common, liked the same movies, same restaurants, being outdoors, etc. There was an obvious attraction between the two of us. But I couldn’t see past the closed door to open up. Developing a deeper friendship was not an option at first. So, for months we beat around the bush.

Ya know how sometimes we make the same mistake repeatedly and tell ourselves we’ll remember to do things differently the next time – but then it happens again. Sigh! We end up holding onto that mistake so tight it almost starts to own us. Be careful – learn to let go!

I can’t put my finger on what made the door start to crack open little by little. Perhaps his patience, laid back manner, or willingness to be open with me first. Another couple months and I fully opened the door – the door to my heart this time. Scary stuff! Our relationship has been a steadfast one. One I love, cherish, and will never let go of; he is my best friend. However, in my world of “categorizing” it’s also nice to have a few close girlfriends. Thankfully, I was blessed to have two of those. We would get together whenever it worked. Sometimes often and sometimes a few weeks went by. But we could always pick up wherever we left off.

So, when my husband and I decided to move 1.5 hours west; I silently freaked out. Even though I whole heartedly agreed with our decision, all I could think was – Don’t you realize how long it took me to get those friendships? I’ll be leaving them behind! They know all my history! I’m going somewhere where I don’t know anyone! I’m such an introvert – this will never ever work! I just had a baby – how will I have time to make new friends?!? AGHHHHHHHH

I didn’t realize I was shutting the door closed before even bothering to look at what could be on the other side.

After we moved, I fell into a rut of sorts. There were some relationships I expected to naturally grow, which never did. I found it increasingly hard to keep up with my two close friends back home. I pretty much stayed at home relying on family gatherings as my chance to communicate with the outside world.

Those fears I brought up before; which were just excuses, prevented me from moving forward and even attempting new friendships. I had allowed my fears to paralyze me. Instead of asking for help or even trying to go somewhere (like story time at the local library), I stayed quiet and told myself “It will be what it will be”. So not true – sometimes the best things in life require work, sometimes a chance for growth comes from trying something new, and sometimes not giving up is the greatest reward!

Of course, God being who He is, saw my “predicament” and sent someone to intervene. She was one of the cutest, bubbliest, friendliest people I’ve ever met. It terrified me! In my head, there was no way I could compare to her or fit in with her friends. She invited me to a local mom’s group that gathered every week with their littles for a play date. Initially I thought it was a great idea – I could meet other women, with kids the same age, who also stayed at home, and hopefully talk about something other than dirty diapers. But for whatever reason I just couldn’t.

I was frozen in my own insecurities. I was too focused on the closed door again. Thankfully, this friend continued to ask and kept me in the loop on play dates.

Apparently, it took the birth of my second baby (almost an entire year later) to bust open the door. I started to look at myself through my children’s eyes. I wanted them to have the same kind of friendships I had when growing up. And how were they supposed to do that when I never left my hermit crab shell? I decided right then to attend the next play group, start cultivating new friendships, and believe it would happen and be ok.

What has since developed are several new friendships. Other children for mine to play with. A monthly mom’s night out. A monthly ladies only breakfast. Something each week to look forward to. And all it took was changing my mindset to one of positivity.

Here are some maintenance tips for future doors that I’ll be keeping nearby:

~ Remember to keep your hold on closed doors short – don’t obsess!

~ Look at closed doors from the perspective of “What can I learn from this?” instead of “What did I do wrong?”

~ Ask for help – especially when it feels like a solid concrete door.

~ Evaluate before jumping through. Is this right for me and my family? Is this where I want to go OR is it where God’s leading me?

~ If the door is right: Fling it open wide and give it my all!

Amazing things happen when we change our mindset. So, remember: “When one door closes, another door opens…”