The Problem with Perfect
Remember all those proverbial questions/conversations you had as a young child with your best friends? Contemplating what the perfect wedding dress would look like, the fastest car to win all the races in, the perfect number of children to have, the best job to earn the most money, where the cutest house with the white picket fence would be, or knowing when Mr./Mrs. Perfect came along?
The English Oxford Dictionary defines perfect as “Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.”
My Kind of Perfect
Perfect for me is always having all the laundry/cleaning/cooking/errands done. It’s having a spotless home when someone comes over. It’s a strive to be the perfect weight for my height, looking naturally beautiful, and staying somewhat trendy. It’s reading up on self-help books so I can better myself. Looking like our family has it all together and having perfectly behaved children in public. It’s getting house projects done right away, having the right calendar system to keep us on time, minimizing, coming up with new recipes, making our personal care products, being the one to help out when needed, having things organized to the nth degree ,doing extra curriculars with the kiddos, lining up fun mommy/child projects, carving time out for myself, giving attention to my husband, remembering anything and everything, and of course getting 6 hours of sleep in a row. Those are the majors at least!
If you’re like me and have your own never-ending list, place extremely high expectations on yourself/never give up until XYZ is perfect/and expect perfection from those around you – then join me for a tiring life of endless pursuit, consistently feeling let down, muttering self-deprecating thoughts, always looking for something better, unhappiness, depression, and missing out on all sorts of joy!
Why That Doesn’t Work
Isn’t it awesome to plan, to think about those things early on, to always be on the lookout? It means I won’t miss something and have everything go awry or make the wrong choice and have to start all over again, right?! On the other hand, it can be stressful. Some days the revolving thoughts are: Why set myself up for failure? I’ll never be perfect, so why bother! Just live in the moment – or at least look like I am. Pretending can be much easier!
Why the conflict? According to my list, I should “have/be all”, right? Let’s look again……Notice what isn’t on that list??? A tight relationship with God. Setting aside time to read His word daily. Making sure I’m living according to God’s will/desire. Asking for His help with my struggles. Asking those around me for help. Being real.
As the topic of perfection has been weighing heavy on my heart for a few months now, God has seen fit to give me some pointers via expertly timed church messages, Bible studies, and conversations with family/friends. Here are some things I’ve learned to watch out for and found helpful.
Isolation
When we have extremely high expectations of ourselves and/or others, we create a dividing line. If the person measures up, they can come across. If they don’t, forget it. If they’re close but not quite there and we let them across, it’ll be a relationship filled with judgement. And if the expectations aren’t met, back across the line. Doesn’t sound very friendly, does it? And what few friends qualify to come across the line may soon tire of juggling the line.
For some, the struggle might be more akin to feeling like they never measure up. From this perspective, everyone else has their stuff together. We may pretend we do, but inside we’re crying out! I fall into this category A LOT! It can be very isolating to feel like you never measure up or that everyone is way ahead of you. I don’t want to share my struggles, unhappiness, or other “unperfect” thoughts with people who seem collected. What if they judge me? What if I lose my status as the dependable one? What if they don’t like me anymore? Etc…
A conversation I recently had with some friends reminded me I’m not alone and I shouldn’t be afraid to not be perfect! Each of us spoke about some pretty heavy things being dealt with either personally, at home, or within the family. The common statement after sharing was: “I had no idea you were going through that! You and the family seem so put together/happy whenever we see you!” And you know what – we all agreed we felt lighter after sharing!!!
Our church is currently teaching a series called “The Struggle is Real”. As we’re working through various topics people struggle with there are 3 main themes to keep in mind. Regardless of one’s religious beliefs, I think they can be applied across the board.
1. You are not alone.
2. We should not hide our struggles (especially at church).
3. The gospel meets us as we struggle in community (the church).
Skewed Priorities
Everyone wants to do better, be great, have awesome results, and improve. There’s nothing wrong with that! It keeps us on our toes. It how we learn new things, see new places and meet new people.
However, perfection is something that can quickly consume us. Often, we get so focused in on that one special thing we forget about our other priorities, relationships get put by the wayside, and we don’t take care of ourselves. We may start snapping at people, become moody, and let other things pile up. This is when perfection becomes an issue.
I recently read something which prompted me to ask the question: What do I look like through my children’s eyes? As I thought about that the next few days and paid closer attention to my behaviors I was met with a humbling answer. I’m the mom who is more concerned with making sure dishes are cleaned, laundry is done, toys are picked up, house projects are moving along, and creating “mommy time” than I was concerned with meeting their needs. I felt horrible! I’d let my strive for perfection and having it all together come in the way of being a good disciple/mother/teacher/comforter/listener/etc. to the two greatest gifts I’ve ever received. Lesson learned!
Sliding Doors
I’m 100 percent a “to do list” kind of girl. I live off them. When it’s not written down there’s an ongoing list in my head a mile long! The rush of checking something off that list is amazing and addicting. It means I’m closer to my end goal, I’ve achieved one more thing, one step closer to perfection.
A few months ago, I met with my friend/counselor of 17 years. I shared with her my frustration over not being able to communicate effectively with Jason. She knows me well (maybe too well) and after asking some questions she told me this: Peggy – you’re not connecting – you’re missing out on the sliding door moments – you have a million reasons why there’s not time – LET YOUR TO DO LISTS GO! Hmm…that was honest.
Not everyone has a “to do list” obsession. Regardless if you struggle with perfection or something else – her advice remains true. I was so focused on achieving everything else (a.k.a. making things perfect) I didn’t notice other people around me. I wasn’t paying attention to their actions/needs.
All those moments I could have chosen to spend time with Jason or the kids, make someone smile, share a giggle/hug/kiss, talk about the day, read my Bible…wasted! My counselor said those “sliding door moments” are the most important thing in relationships. They happen often throughout the day and don’t last more than a couple minutes. They are often more meaningful and show more “love” than planned dates together. She left me with this challenge: Seize as many sliding door moments as I can every single day. In those couple minutes, truly put aside my wants/desires/lists and CONNECT with the other person. It doesn’t have to be some grand gesture but be in the moment!
Ungratefulness
Does a perfectionist ever really reach perfection? Are they ever actually satisfied? Or is the grass always greener on the other side?
I’ve struggled with this many times working through my endless pursuit of having things just so or organizing again because I found something that works better or updating things around the house because something wasn’t quite right or berating myself because I didn’t get everything accomplished.
This past week our pastor talked about greed and what he said spoke to me: It (greed) is good at hiding and it’s easy to see in others but not in yourself. Normally, I wouldn’t call myself a greedy person. But when I think of the items I’ve purchased to make things better (even though the old ones still had life left in them) or the books I bought to help make me a better person (as some sit on the shelf unread) or the number of times I’ve complained either out loud or silently about not having enough….yea I’m greedy.
In the Present Over Perfect study guide I’m working through, author Shauna Niequest relays a phrase her friend told her “there is no there there”. So true of so many aspects of life. We’re constantly in the grind working toward perfection, the next best thing, the next step on the ladder, whatever it is…and when we get there…it’s all good, but just like that we start working again. Because it wasn’t enough. The “there” wasn’t really there.
Often, being ungrateful can be tied to feelings of unhappiness. It steals our joy. May I learn to be grateful for what I have and who I am!
Other Miscellaneous Tidbits
There is a fine line between aiming for perfection and living for it. Ultimately – there is only one man who has been perfect all his life and He reigns over Heaven. Ultimately – we all live in a world full of sin and are all sinners (Rom. 3:23). That means I’m never going to be perfect. It also means living in vain trying to constantly achieve and/or be perfection is fruitless.
You know how sometimes we bristle at a comment someone makes about us? We think – How dare they! Perhaps we become defensive because deep down we know they’re right. Because it is something we’ve struggled with. Because they’re implying we’re not perfect! If I’m not careful, pride ends up becoming center stage. Since I will never be perfect, there is only so much I can do. To keep living as if I can do it all, be all, am all is wrong.
In moments when I’m struggling with being imperfect – with the very idea of not achieving everything – with feeling like I let someone down – my goal is to remember:
~ God has already gifted me everything I’ll ever need to walk through life.
~ Even though I am not perfect, I was created in God’s image (Gen. 1:27).
~ I should “worry” more about living to please Him and less about pleasing (perfecting) myself!
~ Everyone has struggles.
~ Be real! Be honest! Be open!
